July 6th Panic on a high wire - why I couldn’t watch the Grand Canyon crossing

July 6th, 2013

Panic on a high wire - why I couldn’t watch the Grand Canyon crossing

I had no intention of writing anything about the recent high wire crossing over the Grand Canyon, but my head has latched onto it and cannot let it go.  (Obsessive thinking, anyone?)  Before it was aired, I had little desire to watch it, but I got sucked into the hype.  So that evening, I watched Nik Wallenda take about 100 steps over the canyon, then left the room.  I wonder how many other people who have experienced full blown panic attacks had to walk away.  Sure- I feared for this man’s life, and didn’t want to watch him plunge to the canyon floor in case of a misstep, but the experience of watching him touched a deeper fear that I did not yet understand in that moment.  So instead I watched my daughter watch the TV from the safety of my kitchen.  

If you’ve ever experienced a panic attack, you know that it can feel like you’re walking a wire - just trying to get from this point to that point without falling over.  

It was difficult not to put myself in his shoes.  Mr. Wallenda is obviously a much cooler customer than I am, and is far more in control of his nerves than I have ever been or he never would have pursued this endeavor in the first place.  And the guy was nervous - you just had to listen to the audio to pick that up.  Of course I would never walk out on a high wire over the Grand Canyon - the most obvious reasons being that I’m not a high wire walker, not trained, not strong enough, and I just don’t know how.  Most people don’t.  But add to that the anxiety monster - I would get about 10 steps out and begin to fear having an anxiety attack.  That would be my greatest fear - not the winds and the updrafts (as described in dramatic detail by Jim Cantore), not the wild shaking of the cable under my feet, not the potential of a sudden thunderstorm (also described in dramatic detail by Jim Cantore) - but the fear of fear.  Mr. Wallenda had every reason to be nervous about real potential dangers.  That’s healthy and normal and is what helps us to survive in this world.  But fearing fear.........not healthy.  

So I have to marvel at what the man accomplished.  Sure - it was an amazing physical feat, and I’m so glad he lived to kiss the ground on the other side.  The mental task is almost beyond my comprehension.  Even if I knew how to walk a wire, I would have walked about 10 steps out, and the internal dialogue would have started.  “What if I panic?  What if I panic?  Am I panicking now?  Oh my God am I getting dizzy?  I think I am.  What if I get dizzier?  What if I black out?  I’m gonna die.  Oh look...there’s an eagle!!”  Ok - I wouldn’t have noticed the eagle.  I would have been too busy looking inward, trying to figure out if I was getting dizzier or possibly blacking out, and about to plunge to my death. Or even worse - embarrass myself!  On national TV.  

Actually, I never would have been able to take that first step. Those of us with panic disorder tend to work ourselves up into a frenzy well before the feared event. We simply imagine it, and the stories start. (They are stories because they aren't real - our brains create all of these possible horrible scenarios that have not yet happened, and will likely never happen. More on that later!) And when the stories start, we are robbed of the wonderful present, even if we're in the safest place in the world.